Indian Weddings
If you are in your mid 20s, it’s likely that your friends are getting married. Some of those friends are brown. Some of those brown friends are having brown weddings. And some of those brown friends having brown weddings haven’t invited you.
It’s not your fault, you were never really close to them. But you tried out yoga and watched Slumdog Millionaire - why not try Indian weddings too?
When it comes to weddings, a small effort today can result in a huge return on investment. In American weddings, one wedding gift gets you a nice meal, maybe one dance, and a number or two. In Indian weddings, one wedding gift gets you three choreographed dances, five meals, and a couple potential fiancees (if you thought your friend was a good wing man, wait till you meet his mother). Bond yields and stock prices will rise and fall, but Indian weddings are here to stay.
Getting into Indian weddings can be tough, but you have diversity on your side. Indians love seeing non-Indians dance to their music and if the bride or groom don’t have too many white friends, you’ll automatically rise to the top of the list. In fact, one choreographed dance number with a white friend is required for any successful wedding.
If you choose not to dance and were never close to the bride or groom, don’t fret. Soon, the groom’s mother will hear that “Shashi’s wedding had 1000 attendees and drones doing the photography,” and last minute invites will be sent to boost numbers. Good thing that you chose to pair up with Alok on that math assignment (even though he was an English major) - you might have failed the project, but now you’ll get an invite. Stereotyping does pay off!
If you still don’t have an invitation, crash the wedding. For those who are brown, this part is simple. When someone asks you who you are, say “You don’t recognize me?” and then proclaim that you are Aunt Pooja’s son. In social settings, there are very few things that Indians are scared of more than meeting a relative they do not recognize.
However, since you are white, try using a distraction. If someone approaches you, put a hand to your stomach, pretend to be sick, and rush to the nearest restroom. “Bichara gora,” they’ll say, “looks like he couldn’t tolerate the food.” If they do stop and ask for your name, reply, “Peter. We spoke last night after the dance performances?” They’ll profusely apologize and leave you to your business. If part of you feels offended, don’t be. It can, after all, be hard to remember which white face belongs to which white name, let alone how to pronounce it!
If you’ve gotten this far, then pat yourself on your back. You did it. An upset stomach aside, everything seems to be well. Enjoy the festivities and don’t forget to dress nicely - they’ll want you in the pictures.
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(Note, the weddings that I caricature here are more extravagant North Indian weddings. It’s suprising - and perhaps saddening - the amount of money poured into these events due to social pressures and expectations by families who perhaps do not have the luxury to spend. This deserves a different post, but just a note to the reader!).
